I need someone to tell this to but everyone I know will blame themselves or tell me what I've already told myself...
(P.S. To anyone reading this, I am bi-polar so the thoughts may skip around...no I know they will)
I see myself as a loyal creature, but lately I've been finding myself straying more and more. I'm beginning to wonder if I even was helping my friends to start with. I used to be a warrior, but now it seems like the older I get the more I become a helpless female. I hate it. I know females are said to be like the power behind a man or something like that but for as long as I can remember, men were the domaniet. And I wanted to be on top just like them. Most of my friends were males, till they suddenly started avoiding me. It actually took me 3 weeks to get one of them to tell me why and what I told them was that they were nuts if they thought that since I was a girl that they couldn't hang out with me. They still avoided me though. I ended up making shields around myself pushing everyone away. I was safe but killing myself inside the box I made. A friend helped me get out of it, but now I can't even begin to build my box again. Men are strong, most won't back down in a fight even if they know that the other one will pound the snot out of them. And if they disagree they hit each other a couple of times and its back to being friends. Girls have to use words to hurt someone and then they only become friends after a near showdown. I'm weak, I'm a coward, and I don't have what it takes to be there for my friends. Yes I'll be there if they need me but you know what, I've noticed most of the time I stand there in fear of being noticed. I can't fight...I...I actually think about what life would be like for everyone if I wasn't here. But then I think about how I would find out and I remember I'm too much of a freakin coward to take my own life. And I have to much pride to let someone else. To those of you I let down....I'm sorry. I'm going to end this journal thing now and maybe some other day I'll post a new one. Hopefully something happier.